The word misery may bring different definitions to mind. It’s certainly not a passive word or pleasant to talk about, but misery is something everyone has to deal with. Or so I thought.
I’m not talking about the Kathy Bates, kidnap your favorite author, killer-kind. Although, I wouldn’t be opposed to sitting down and have dinner with certain members of the literary world. No, Stephen King, you’re not on my top 10 list. Freak. Hello? Cujo? Who comes up with stories like that?
But I digress. It’s the feeling of being stuck in a situation without any hope of a positive outcome. Frustration. Sadness. Despair.
God gave me a reality check today as I was sitting at a dead-end job, talking to verbally abusive people and wallowing in a pit of self-induced misery. I was physically defeated, my body revolting at the very thought of taking another call. I was angry. How had I gotten to this place of nothing? What circumstances caused me to be in this particular moment, dealing with this overwhelming feeling of failure? Who can I blame? The answer was a resounding ME!
What was I thinking? That pit I was wallowing in was of my own making! In my heart, all I could do was lower my head, raise my hands and say, “God, you’re in control, but I haven’t fully given You the wheel”. I still had a death grip on that proverbial wheel even after I had handed my life over to God. Control causes that self-centered misery because we don’t allow Him to take complete ownership. Who are we to think we have any control of any thing? Haven’t the recent natural disasters taught us how powerful God is? Why wasn’t I getting it?
I mean, I “got” it. I know God is all-knowing, all-powerful, an always present God, but I never truly let Him be that in my life. Part of me didn’t want to let go, and I became the person I most hated. The complainer. The “Debbie Downer”. The faker. The self-hater. The epitome of why God gives us grace.
My 2×4 theology lesson God gave me this morning taught me the only reason I’m miserable is because God is not in full control of my life. The only truly miserable thing was that God sent His Son to die for me, and I wasn’t grateful enough to do something as little as trust Him completely. In that moment, I understood why God has me where I am, it’s to draw me closer to Him. Will this moment of spiritual clarity make me a perfect Christian? Nope. Will I have the perfect attitude at work? Um, no. Does my first blog being so transparent scare the crap out of me? Yes, but I know I’m not the only one who deals with issues of control, ungratefulness or even feelings of despair. That’s why I’m so thankful that I have family in the body of Christ that build me up. Encourage me. Tell me to get over myself when I’m being an idiot. That’s what we do! That’s how God designed the church. Isn’t that amazing?! There’s a reason fellowship is so important. Who knew transparent blogs were too? The only reason you should be miserable is if you don’t know Christ. I don’t know what misery is! How foolish of me to even think I was miserable. I’ve got God living in me and directing me to His will. Hopefully, I won’t be cause too many “alternate routes” in God’s Will for my life.